I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.

The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.

When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.