I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.

I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive-right, left, and in the middle.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

I never eat before breakfast.