Happiness means quiet nerves.

I always made up my own acts; built them out of my knowledge and observation of real life. I'd had wonderful opportunities to study people; and every time I went out on the stage I tried to show the audience some bit of true human nature.

I'm searching for loopholes.

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.

Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.