Men don't hear women.

The president is on national TV apologizing for getting oral sex. Why didn't he just stick with his lie? You got to stick with your lie. If you lie, you have to believe that lie whole-heartedly. It has to become the truth for you. But this man, the most powerful man in the world, is on national TV apologizing for receiving oral sex. He's an idiot. There are men sitting in here right now who would gladly accept oral sex on national TV.

I don't like the saying keep your friends close and enemies closer. I want my enemy on a different planet.

That's what they want: two women. Fellas, I think that's a bit lofty. Because, come on, think about it - if you can't satisfy that one woman, why do you want to piss off another one? Why have two angry women in the bed with you at the same time? And think about it - you know how much you hate to talk after sex, imagine having two women just nagging you to death.

It seems like when I first started, people got into comedy because they wanted to be good comedians.

Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.

Rush Limbaugh was the 20th hijacker. I hope his kidneys fail.