The president is on national TV apologizing for getting oral sex. Why didn't he just stick with his lie? You got to stick with your lie. If you lie, you have to believe that lie whole-heartedly. It has to become the truth for you. But this man, the most powerful man in the world, is on national TV apologizing for receiving oral sex. He's an idiot. There are men sitting in here right now who would gladly accept oral sex on national TV.

I don’t understand why people really get upset about something that doesn’t affect them at all.

If you feel like there's something out there that you're supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.

That word sassy - it haunts me. I keep getting the sassy thing.

My neighbor, she invited me to an Elvis party. I told her I couldn't come 'cause I'd be too busy making fun of her from behind my blinds.

There's times when I'm really shy, so these roles that I get to play, they're how I would love to really be. And that's why I love doing stand-up, because it gives me the freedom to say what I really want to say. I think that's why it's my favorite thing to do.

My worlds collide. When one things happens, it just starts a domino effect - everything else goes on.