The president is on national TV apologizing for getting oral sex. Why didn't he just stick with his lie? You got to stick with your lie. If you lie, you have to believe that lie whole-heartedly. It has to become the truth for you. But this man, the most powerful man in the world, is on national TV apologizing for receiving oral sex. He's an idiot. There are men sitting in here right now who would gladly accept oral sex on national TV.

When life gives you lemons don't make lemonade, make pink lemonade. Be unique.

When my parents send me emails the first 3 are blank.

I work hard. The staff and crew see how much energy I put into this project, and it makes them step up.

We got to stop doing that, ladies. You know, men are dogs. Men are dogs. We got to stop it. Men are not dogs. Uh-uh. Dogs are loyal.

I always had one goal, and that was to be a real funny stand-up comic, and that's pretty much what I'm doing. And everything else is kind of like gravy - TV, movies.

You can't make a woman happy. That's like trying to cure a fatal disease. The goal is to treat the symptoms so you can comfortably live with the illness.