It's hard to get fired from the government. You have to, like, kill people.

The first time onstage, a light went on. 'OK, this is my thing. I'm comfortable here. This is my thing.'

To me, political office should be like jury duty. You should just get a notice in the mail one day and say, 'Aw, sh - , I'm secretary of state next month.

As soon as you say 'I do,' you'll discover that marriage is like a car. Both of you might be sitting in the front seat, but only one of you is driving. And most marriages are more like a motorcycle than a car. Somebody has to sit in the back, and you have to yell just to be heard.

There are just so many more laws and rules that apply with marriage that do not come with domestic partnership and also to me it's the commitment.

I think it's because my comedy is in your face, and it comes from a place that's real.

Rush Limbaugh was the 20th hijacker. I hope his kidneys fail.