I'm like, If you do something dumb, I'll write about it. If you put something out there, to me it's like you're kind of asking for it.

I'm always thinking of stuff; I just don't sit down and write it. I come up with material more as I go along; if something funny happens, I'll make a note of it on my phone.

If you feel like there's something out there that you're supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.

Now, I think the people who are still doing stand-up are doing it because they love stand-up.

I think maybe Rush Limbaugh was the 20th hijacker. But he was just so strung out on Oxycontin he missed his flight. Rush Limbaugh, 'I hope the country fails' - I hope his kidneys fail, how about that? ... He needs a waterboarding, that's what he needs.

I knew something was wrong with the economy when the shampoo girl at my salon closed on a six bedroom house.

Once you start making money, you can be an ass. But I am not an ass. I'm too lazy, that takes a lot of energy.