I'm like, If you do something dumb, I'll write about it. If you put something out there, to me it's like you're kind of asking for it.

I have problems with YouTube and things like that, when you catch it mid production. If I'm doing a show and I'm working on a bit and someone's there with a phone, they record it and put it online - it's not the finished product.

All these teenagers tell us how much they want to grow up and then when they do they want to be young again.

I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I've never found any strange panties in my dog's house.

L.A. is nothing but a bunch of driving, and I hate all that damn driving 'cause it interferes with my drinking.

I had top-secret clearance and everything. I was working on a couple of projects that would keep me involved in Desert Storm. I was in the mix, which is scary.

There's times when I'm really shy, so these roles that I get to play, they're how I would love to really be. And that's why I love doing stand-up, because it gives me the freedom to say what I really want to say. I think that's why it's my favorite thing to do.