When life gives you lemons don't make lemonade, make pink lemonade. Be unique.

It's easier to rip somebody to shreds while you're making them laugh.

L.A. is nothing but a bunch of driving, and I hate all that damn driving 'cause it interferes with my drinking.

My neighbor, she invited me to an Elvis party. I told her I couldn't come 'cause I'd be too busy making fun of her from behind my blinds.

Writers get to stay with the piece. They don't just turn the script in and somebody else takes it over and goes out and produces it and edits it and all that stuff. We stay with the piece all the way through.

Good comics stick around. There are people who have TV shows that might be successful, but comics can't really fake it. If you say, 'Hey, I love what you guys are doing - you're funny,' then you're in. It's legit.

I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I've never found any strange panties in my dog's house.