Now, I think the people who are still doing stand-up are doing it because they love stand-up.

My neighbor, she invited me to an Elvis party. I told her I couldn't come 'cause I'd be too busy making fun of her from behind my blinds.

I think maybe Rush Limbaugh was the 20th hijacker. But he was just so strung out on Oxycontin he missed his flight. Rush Limbaugh, 'I hope the country fails' - I hope his kidneys fail, how about that? ... He needs a waterboarding, that's what he needs.

Being gay is harder than being black. I didn't have to come out black. I didn't have to tell my parents about what its like to be black.

You know what, I think maybe it's because men like to fart, and the host wants to be able to sit in his writers' room and just pass gas freely. Me, I'm a lady. I'm dainty. I know to get up and leave the room and go to my office.

I noticed recently, in the last few shows I did, that I'm starting to get people - not a large group, but quite a few people - who come to see me because they love Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Lot Of Strip Clubs in Florida... Good grief... Florida has so many strip clubs, they need to change their state flag to a brass pole.