Yeah, I had top-secret clearance and everything.

I'm here today because I hated everything else.

Good comics stick around. There are people who have TV shows that might be successful, but comics can't really fake it. If you say, 'Hey, I love what you guys are doing - you're funny,' then you're in. It's legit.

I'm here today because I refused to be unhappy. I took a chance.

L.A. is nothing but a bunch of driving, and I hate all that damn driving 'cause it interferes with my drinking.

When I am outside at night by myself every person turns into a pedophile. So I tend to walk a little faster than usual and then I sprint.

A woman would pitch a joke. Nothing. Then a guy would pitch it and everybody would laugh.