I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I've never found any strange panties in my dog's house.

I'm here today because I hated everything else.

You know the economy is bad when illegals start complaining that Americans are taking their jobs.

In '87, I used to do this awful, awful James Brown impression.

I enjoy stand-up because it has the biggest reward: instant gratification. You can hear the people laughing.

I was funny around my family. My family, they're pretty funny, too.

I watch Jay. I watch 'Letterman'. I flip back and forth between 'Conan' and 'Letterman', especially the top of the show for those guys.