We got to stop doing that, ladies. You know, men are dogs. Men are dogs. We got to stop it. Men are not dogs. Uh-uh. Dogs are loyal.

Now, I think the people who are still doing stand-up are doing it because they love stand-up.

I have problems with YouTube and things like that, when you catch it mid production. If I'm doing a show and I'm working on a bit and someone's there with a phone, they record it and put it online - it's not the finished product.

When my wife and I leave California, I want to have my marriage recognized in Nevada, Arizona, all the way to New York. How can you stop people from loving each other? How can you get upset about loving?

You know the economy is bad when illegals start complaining that Americans are taking their jobs.

When life gives you lemons don't make lemonade, make pink lemonade. Be unique.

With a black president, I can relax... I can dance in public... I can buy a whole watermelon now.