I knew something was wrong with the economy when the shampoo girl at my salon closed on a six bedroom house.

I'm like, If you do something dumb, I'll write about it. If you put something out there, to me it's like you're kind of asking for it.

But I think funny and talent will always win out; I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you're funny you will get over all of that.

Yeah, I had top-secret clearance and everything.

I'm really funny now.

You know the economy is bad when illegals start complaining that Americans are taking their jobs.

Don't bother me while I'm eating, or when I'm coming out of the crackhouse or something. Just let me get going.