I don't like to channel surf. You guys like it, don't you. You guys like to change the channel. We like to change you.

People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them....well it's killing me!

I go running when I have to. When the ice cream truck is doing sixty.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?

I just got my first bikini. It's a three-piece: a top, a botton, and a blindfold for you.

I've been pitching a show of five female stand-up comedians through the generations, from Phyllis Diller to Amy Schumer, so when I got an e-mail asking me if I would participate in the Women in Comedy Festival, I was thrilled.