I don't like to channel surf. You guys like it, don't you. You guys like to change the channel. We like to change you.

I get my sense of humor from my parents. That's why they don't have one anymore.

I took an acting class. After the first day, the teacher quit, so they said take another. When I saw 'How to be a Stand-up Comedian,' it resonated. I realized I'd rather make 200 people laugh than make one person cry.

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.

I think there have always been funny women, from Carol Burnett to Joan Rivers. When the audience sees a woman, they innately know she's worked twice as hard to get there, she's had to prove that she can be the leader, first, and then be funny on top of it. She has to emit a confidence that she's in control.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.