I don't like to channel surf. You guys like it, don't you. You guys like to change the channel. We like to change you.

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

I'm going to get married again because I'm more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.

I've been pitching a show of five female stand-up comedians through the generations, from Phyllis Diller to Amy Schumer, so when I got an e-mail asking me if I would participate in the Women in Comedy Festival, I was thrilled.

I don't think I was funny until college. I lived with some Harvard MD/PhD students - they were so smart, and what I contributed to the house was, I was the funny one.

My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.

I go running when I have to. When the ice cream truck is doing sixty.