Henry VIII had so many wives because his dynastic sense was very strong whenever he saw a maid of honour.

Cæsar might have married her [Cleopatra], but he had a wife at home. There's always something.

It is because of his brain that he [modern man] has risen above the animals. Guess which animals he has risen above.

Frogs will eat red-flannel worms fed to them by biologists; this proves a great deal about both parties concerned.

I do not travel. I am not much of an extrovert, and I'm not much interested in extroverted objects. I do not care for the 'ideas' of novelists. Novels are wonderful, of course, but I prefer newspapers.

My philosophy of life can be summed up in four words: It can't be helped.

Humor springs from rage, hay fever, overdue rent and miscellaneous hell.