The moral of the story of the Pilgrims is that if you work hard all your life and behave yourself every minute and take no time out for fun you will break practically even, if you can borrow enough money to pay your taxes.

If a cat does something, we call it instinct; if we do the same thing, for the same reason, we call it intelligence.

The trouble with the dictionary is that you have to know how a word is spelled before you can look it up to see how it is spelled.

I do not travel. I am not much of an extrovert, and I'm not much interested in extroverted objects. I do not care for the 'ideas' of novelists. Novels are wonderful, of course, but I prefer newspapers.

A hermit is simply a person to whom civilization has failed to adjust itself.

Etiquette means behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely essential.

Orangutans teach us that looks are not everything-but warned near it.