The moral of the story of the Pilgrims is that if you work hard all your life and behave yourself every minute and take no time out for fun you will break practically even, if you can borrow enough money to pay your taxes.

I do not travel. I am not much of an extrovert, and I'm not much interested in extroverted objects. I do not care for the 'ideas' of novelists. Novels are wonderful, of course, but I prefer newspapers.

The Earthworm plows the whole world with his tunnels, drains and aerates the earth… If you ever buy any land, be sure it has plenty of Earthworms toiling and moiling all day so that you can sit down and relax.

Let's not be too quick to blame the human race for everything. A great many species of animals became extinct before man ever appeared on earth.

Frogs will eat red-flannel worms fed to them by biologists; this proves a great deal about both parties concerned.

Humor springs from rage, hay fever, overdue rent and miscellaneous hell.

It is because of his brain that he [modern man] has risen above the animals. Guess which animals he has risen above.