The reason the Democrats are so intent on passing a stem-cell bill is they're depending on the research to grow themselves a spine.

Men are superior to women. For one thing, men can urinate from a speeding car.

It's okay to laugh in the bedroom so long as you don't point

It is my experience that the best way to deal with American politics is 50 milligrams of Zoloft 3 times a day.

How did sex come to be thought of as dirty in the first place? God must have been a Republican.

You can't kill America. We're more than a nation. We're a notion. We're an idea. The American Dream. You never heard of the Afghanistani Dream have you. Except by bearded hermetic recluses with a fetish for uneducated women dressed as giant shuttlecocks.

There is humor in the specter of the worst disaster in our nation's history. All I have to do is sweep away the debris of shock to find it.