It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

The rest of the people know the condition of the country, for they live in it, but Congress has no idea what is going on in America, so the President has to tell 'em.

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

Real estate is the best investment in the world because it is the only thing they're not making any more.

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.

You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you in a new way.