When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do well, that's Memoirs.

A company is known by the people it keeps.

We can't all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and applaud when they go by.

If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this - no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.