When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do well, that's Memoirs.

Government investigations have always contributed more to our amusement than they have to our knowledge.

A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.

If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

Harvard students have completed more English courses and less forward passes than any school in this generation.

There are three types of men in the world. One type learns from books. One type learns from observations. And one type just has to urinate on the electric fence himself.

I like to hear a man talk about himself because then I never hear anything, but good.