If you let women have their way, you will generally get even with them in the end.

Well, the disarmament conference is off to a flying start. There is nothing to prevent their succeeding now but human nature.

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.

Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth.... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.

If you can build a business up big enough, it's respectable.

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated.