I would never make a good economist. You know, an economist is a man that can tell you anything about — well, he will tell you what can happen under any given condition — and his guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's, too.

It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.

What would we say if the Chinese sent a gunboat with their marines up the Mississippi River claiming they were protecting their laundries in Memphis?

The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him 'father.'

The US is safest when Congress is in recess.