Always drink upstream from the herd.

Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on advertising and they wouldn't have to advertise it.

An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators.

Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.

Will Rogers used to say he wouldn't run for president no matter how badly the country needed a comedian.

The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.