Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Democrats never agree on anything, that's why they're Democrats. If they agreed with each other, they would be Republicans.

Lord, the money we do spend on Government and it's not one bit better than the government we got for one-third the money twenty years ago.

America is the first country where people go to the poor house in their car.

The only thing that can stop hair from falling ... is the floor.

Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth.... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.

When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do well, that's Memoirs.