We're all ignorant, just about different stuff.

What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

The minute a thing is long and complicated, it confuses. Whoever wrote the Ten Commandments made 'em short. They may not always be kept, but they are understood.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

Government investigations have always contributed more to our amusement than they have to our knowledge.

There are two things I don't care how smart you are, you will never understand. One is an alienist's testimony, and the other is a railroad timetable.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.