In Hollywood the woods are full of people that learned to write but evidently can't read. If they could read their stuff, they'd stop writing.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

What would we say if the Chinese sent a gunboat with their marines up the Mississippi River claiming they were protecting their laundries in Memphis?

Everyone wants to vote for the best and most qualified man, but he never runs for office.

There is no more independence in politics than there is in jail.

There is one guaranteed formula for failure, and that is to try to please everyone.

Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. Never miss a good chance to shut up.