The English should give Ireland home rule - and reserve the motion picture rights.

An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want to impress people they don't like.

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

We can't all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and applaud when they go by.

Anything important is never left to the vote of the people. We only get to vote on some man; we never get to vote on what he is to do.

The French couldn't hate us any more unless we helped 'em out in another war.