Our country has plenty of five-cent cigars, but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.

Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.

Americans are getting like a Ford car, they all have the same exact parts, the same upholstering and make exactly the same noises.

Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.

Invest in inflation. It is the only thing going up.

Personally, I have always felt that the best doctor in the world is the Veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter...he's just got to know.

If you eliminate the names of Lincoln, Washington, Roosevelt, Jackson and Wilson, both conventions would get out three days earlier.