Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.

Some guy invented Vitamin A out of a carrot. I'll bet he can't invent a good meal out of one.

Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth.... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.

The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other.

The budget is like a mythical bean bag. Congress votes mythical beans into it, then reaches in and tries to pull real ones out.

Chaotic action is preferable to orderly inaction.

Congress is going to start tinkering with the Ten Commandments just as soon as they find someone in Washington who has read them.