Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.

One-third of the people in the United States promote, while the other two-thirds provide.

The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is that the Democrat is a cannibal, they live off each other, while the Republicans live off the Democrats.

Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing, and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.

Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth.... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.

Buy land. They ain't making any more of the stuff.