The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.

One way to solve the traffic problem is to keep all the cars that are not paid for off the streets.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.

The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other.

Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth.... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.

Democrats never agree on anything, that's why they're Democrats. If they agreed with each other, they would be Republicans.