The rest of the people know the condition of the country, for they live in it, but Congress has no idea what is going on in America, so the President has to tell 'em.

If you want to be successful, it's just this simple. Know what you are doing. Love what you are doing. And believe in what you are doing.

Get someone else to blow your horn and the sound will carry twice as far.

Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth.... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.

The South is dry and will vote dry. That is, everybody that is sober enough to stagger to the polls will.

The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.