Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth.... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.

It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.

Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing, and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.

It would drive a person crazy to dope out really what does divide the two parties. Prosperity don't divide the two parties, for under either administration the poor get poorer and the rich get richer.

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.