Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth.... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.

Nobody wants to be called common people, especially common people.

A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.

If you feel the urge, don't be afraid to go on a wild goose chase. What do you think wild geese are for anyway?

There is nothing so stupid as the educated man if you get him off the thing he was educated in.