Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth.... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.

Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.

Well, the disarmament conference is off to a flying start. There is nothing to prevent their succeeding now but human nature.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Opportunity rarely knocks on your door. Knock rather on opportunity's door if you ardently wish to enter.

I bet any Sunday could be made as popular at church as Easter is if you made 'em fashion shows too. The audience is so busy looking at each other that the preacher just as well recite Gunga Din.

Politicians are just a bunch of local bandits, sent by their local voters to raid the public treasury.

Buy land. They ain't making any more of the stuff.