Every Gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of Truth.... Now Rumor travels Faster, but it don't stay put as long as Truth.

I'll bet you the time ain't far off when a woman won't know any more than a man.

On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.

More words ain't good for anything in the world only to bring on more argument.

No nation ever had two better friends that we have. You know who they are? The Atlantic and Pacific oceans.

When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do well, that's Memoirs.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Opportunity rarely knocks on your door. Knock rather on opportunity's door if you ardently wish to enter.