90% of success in life is showing up

The audience goes to sleep really quickly! If you have a slight pause at the wrong time, that's it!

Where I grew up in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide. Everyone was too unhappy.

"Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.

Until you've been kissed on a rainy Parisian afternoon - you've never been kissed.

The key point about a demonstration is that it must be seen. Hence the term "demonstration." If a person demonstrates privately in his own home, this is not technically a demonstration but merely "acting silly" or "behaving like an ass.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.