Nothing like a little post-traumatic stress disorder to make your day complete.

I feel humor is important for those two reasons: that it is a little bit of refreshment like music, and that women have told me over the years that it is very, very important to them.

Arlene and I have to get a divorce. She thinks I'm a pervert because I drank our water bed.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

[An audience conditioned by a lifetime of television-watching is so corrupted that] their standards have been systematically lowered over the years. These guys sit in front of their sets and the gamma rays eat the white cells of their brains out!

Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.