My brain? It's my second favorite organ!

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Do I believe in God? I did until Mother's accident. She fell on some meat loaf and it penetrated her spleen.

The audience goes to sleep really quickly! If you have a slight pause at the wrong time, that's it!

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

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My grandfather was a very insignificant man, actually. At his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.