You always think another time would have been ideal for you . . . the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist.

Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.

And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, 'til the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and shape up.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

The French make two mistakes about me. They think I'm an intellectual because I wear these glasses and they think I'm an artist because my films lose money.

If the [actors] are working, and I have a dinner engagement, I don't do 20 takes. I do five takes and go home. I want to go to dinner.

I carry a bullet in my breast pocket. Once, a crazy evangelist threw a bible at me, which would have gone through my heart if it wasn't for the bullet.