You always think another time would have been ideal for you . . . the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist.

Even if God exists, he's done such a terrible job, it's a wonder people don't get together and file a class action suit against him.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

A stockbroker is someone who invests other people's money until it is all gone.

Pale, nervous girls with black-rimmed glasses and blunt-cut hair lolled around on sofas, riffling Penguin Classics provocatively. [...] But it wasn’t just intellectual experiences—they were peddling emotional ones, too. For fifty bucks, I learned, you could “relate without getting close.” For a hundred, a girl would lend you her Bartok records, have dinner, and then let you watch while she had an anxiety attack.

I don't believe in God. Just try getting a plumber on the weekend.

I'm at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I'm profoundly grateful to her.