My wife is immature. Whenever I take a bath, she sinks my boats.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

My grammy never gave gifts, you know. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.

That’s one of the nice things about writing, or any art; if the thing’s real, it just lives.

Enthusiasm is a good engine, but it needs intelligence for a driver.