My wife is immature. Whenever I take a bath, she sinks my boats.

Well, trouble's my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marion, but I don't want you spreading that around.

Is world peace possible or is the human race too innately aggressive? For instance: Have you ever seen women at a sample sale?

I'm so excited-I think today I'm going to brush all my teeth.

It's funny. Maria Elena and I, we are meant for each other and not meant for each other, it's a contradiction.

Life is horrible, but it is not relentlessly black from wire to wire. You can sit down and hear a Mozart symphony, or you can watch the Marx Brothers, and this will give you a pleasant escape for a while. And that is about the best that you can do.

I prefer to achieve immortality by not dying.