I'm not a big believer in the sense of Jews having a monopoly on comedy.

Marriage is the death of hope.

My wife is immature. Whenever I take a bath, she sinks my boats.

90% of success in life is showing up

Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

Dying is like making love, except you don't get naseous afterwards.

I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want