Even if God exists, he's done such a terrible job, it's a wonder people don't get together and file a class action suit against him.

You use sex to express every emotion except love.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

When I'm not working, I think and I think when I get depressed.

I think universal harmony is a pipedream and it may be more productive to focus on more modest goals, like a ban on yodeling.

I work all the time because it's a great distraction and it keeps me from sitting home and obsessing morbidly.

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.