I'm trying to arrange my life so I don't have to be present.

Heaven knows, we all make mistakes. That's life - and chess.

If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

You are always a comedian by default. You are this way because you've been forced to be this way, but it is better to be the hero. So if you can be a persona, the great one of my lifetime of course was and is Marlon Brando.

The only love that lasts is unrequited love.

I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.

Humorists always sit at the children's table.