In order to be successful, all you've got to do is show up 80 percent of the time.
Sex on Twitter can't hurt you - unless you fall off.
I prefer to achieve immortality by not dying.
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
Arlene and I have to get a divorce. She thinks I'm a pervert because I drank our water bed.
The only love that lasts is unrequited love.