Cynicism is reality with an alternate spelling.

If you take a frown and turn it upside down, the person you are holding by the ankles will soon pass out.

I never considered myself an artist. I aspire to be an artist, but I never thought I had the depth or substance or gift to be an artist. I do think I have some talent, but it doesn't go as far as being an artist.

If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this new religious fervor, I glutted myself like a fanatic.

None of the arts are any good unless you really are great at them.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.