I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

I've always been interested in being in other people's movies. I never get any offers.

All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.

Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: "At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be surprised how effective it can be."

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Life is for the living.