Once munching has begun, Schopenhauer held, the human will cannot resist further munching, and the result is a universe with crumbs over everything.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Even if God exists, he's done such a terrible job, it's a wonder people don't get together and file a class action suit against him.

Achilles only had an Achilles heel, I have an entire Achilles body.

I always thought it would be very funny if I was a blind film director.

My grammy never gave gifts, you know. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.

Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing 'Embraceable You' in spats.