I'm awash in self-contempt!

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

I don't fear death. - I just don't want to be around when it happens.

Well, trouble's my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marion, but I don't want you spreading that around.

I should have known something was wrong with my first wife. When I brought her home to meet my parents, they approved of her.

Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things.

I sued American Apparel because they calculatingly took my name, my likeness and image and used them publicly to promote their business.