Some people think about sex all the time; some people think of sex some of the time; and some people never think about sex: they become lawyers.

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.

The most important words in the English language are not 'I love you' but 'it's benign.'

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.

In New York State they have a strange law that says you can't get a divorce unless you can prove adultery - and it's weird, because the Ten Commandments say 'Thou shalt not commit adultery.' But New York State says you have to. Well, finally, what happened was that my wife committed adultery for me. She's always been more mechanically inclined than I have.

As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions.