Everyone wants to get out of living where they're living now, because life is a pretty tough proposition and not much fun. But when you think back to earlier times, you only extrapolate the nice things.

I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers

I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

What was the scandal? I fell in love with this girl, married her. We have been married for almost 15 years now.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

The great question of philosophy remains: If life is meaningless, what can be done about alphabet soup?