Not think of death as an end, but think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

You always think another time would have been ideal for you . . . the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist.

What people who don't write don't understand is that they think you make up the line consciously — but you don't. It proceeds from your unconscious. So it's the same surprise to you when it emerges as it is to the audience when the comic says it. I don't think of the joke and then say it. I say it and then realize what I've said. And I laugh at it, because I'm hearing it for the first time myself.

If you're born with a gift, to behave like it's an achievement is not right.

Achilles only had an Achilles heel, I have an entire Achilles body.