I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering.

In America, you break law. In Soviet Russia, law breaks you! In America, you watch Big Brother. In Soviet Russia, Big Brother watch you!

Comedians are always hitting the topical notes that are on everybody's minds.

In Soviet Russia, party always finds you!

Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.

We may have forgotten how to feel. Nobody is teaching us how to live happily ever after, as we've heard in fairy tales.

In America, you drive car. In Soviet Russia, car drive you!