We may have forgotten how to feel. Nobody is teaching us how to live happily ever after, as we've heard in fairy tales.

In America, you drive car. In Soviet Russia, car drive you!

I believe that laughter is a language of God and that we can all live happily ever laughter.

In America, you break law. In Soviet Russia, law breaks you! In America, you watch Big Brother. In Soviet Russia, Big Brother watch you!

If you have something important to say, Broadway and New York are great places to say it.

The reason gas prices are so high is because the oil is in Texas and Oklahoma and all the dipsticks are in Washington.

I was a comedian in Russia, and I worked on the cruise ships there. I met a lot of Americans, and they were laughing even though I didn't speak their language.