I found out that when you get married the man becomes the head of the house. And the woman becomes the neck, and she turns the head any way she wants to.

If you have something important to say, Broadway and New York are great places to say it.

The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in.

In America, you break law. In Soviet Russia, law breaks you! In America, you watch Big Brother. In Soviet Russia, Big Brother watch you!

In America, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, The Party can always find you!

Americans think Soviets are so grim. I want them to see that they can smile.

In every country, they make fun of city. In U.S. you make fun of Cleveland. In Russia, we make fun of Cleveland.